The Evils of DoortoDoor Missionary Work
by Kyubii-Ash
Summary: [Very light KakuzuHidan]An unsuspecting American woman doing missionary work just wants to do the right thing for her god, but happens upon the wrong house: Hidan's. [AU. No, it is NOT a selfinsert or a MarySue. It's like the people in the crowds.]


First story with authoress's notes! Anyway, in a way this is dedicated to Rahab's Rehab, who is responsible for the entire idea. Thank you very much, Rahab's Rehab!

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The woman didn't look too dangerous, but Hidan could see her true face. He could see, oh yes, he could _see_. This woman was an apostle of the False God, and they were seeking to lead Kakuzu astray. He wasn't _about_ to let this devil-woman put all his hard work into the gutter. He'd been trying to show Kakuzu the right path for as long as he'd known him and there was no way in hell that he would let her... let her... let her lead his side-project into the flaming abyss of Hell! 

"Don't you dare open that fucking door, or I'll murder you," he said matter of factly.

"Not even if you had an army behind you," Kakuzu said, peering out at the woman between the slats of his blinds.

This... speaker of _lies_ was a Caucasian woman of moderately heavy proportions. She was wearing a long, floral-print dress and sandles. Her face was sunburned, and her brown, curly hair looked like she was permanately being zapped with static electricity. She had a large, undecorated canvas bag over her shoulder and a few pamphlets under her flabby arm.

Hidan continued to glower at the back of Kakuzu's head as he opened the door at the woman's knocking.

"May I help you?" Kakuzu asked coldly.

The woman appeared undetterred by Kakuzu's rudeness. "Hi there!" she said cheerfully. "My name is Mariam Tachet and I'm doing missionary work from America!"

"I'm not religious."

Hidan snickered behind his hand. Not a day went by that Kakuzu didn't have something detractory to say about America's policies or people.

"Oh, I'm not trying to convert you or anything, no, not me," said the woman.

"Then I fail to see how you're doing missionary work," Kakuzu said, in a voice that implied the conversation was over with as much subtlety as a rock to the skull.

"Oh, I'm trying to tell people about the evils of one religion in particular!" the woman exclaimed, not taking the hint. Kakuzu's knuckles were turning white on the doorknob. "The evils of the cult of Jashin."

Hidan gritted his teeth together and squinted hard at the stand where Kakuzu's ancient piece-of-crap TV once sat. It wasn't really her fault, he tried to tell himself. Nobody had ever told her she was full of absolute shit and that Jashin would lead all to salvation.

"You don't say," Kakuzu said dryly.

"Surely you've heard of them. I've heard the concentration of their kind is high in this city."

'Their kind', she said?! Hidan knawed on his bottom lip, trying to contain his temper. He wanted to bury his scythe in this bitch's fucking skull.

"Hm," Kakuzu said, trying to send this idiotic woman the message that he wanted her gone and that she was skating on thin ice.

"Oh, yes," the woman blundered on, completely oblivious to Hidan. "For example, do you know that they've kidnapped young girls to induct into their cult or sacrifice to their Satanic God, Jashin? Or did you know that to be inducted into their cult, one either has to be born to cult members or one has to give in to the acts of carnal violation that the preistho--"

"_Enough_!" Kakuzu said, before Hidan had gotten up out of his chair completely and gotten a good hold on his scythe. "Listen, I don't know what church you're a member of or why the hell you thought you needed to come out here. There are plenty of cities in America that could do with... do with a woman like you. I suggest a flight. One-way. To... I don't know. Houston, Texas."

"I-I..."

"Get out of our fucking house, you bitch!!" Hidan practically shrieked, brandishing his scythe more for effect than actual use. "I'm sick of you!!"

The woman scuttled down the sidewalk. Kakuzu closed the door, locked it behind him, and waved his hand. "Get out of my chair," he comanded.

Hidan frowned, but did as he was told. Kakuzu took his chair, and said, "Dammit, Hidan, why did you destroy my TV?"

"It was full of lies. Besides, you needed a new one. That piece of crap was better on the curb than it was in here."

"It worked fine."

"Can you believe the gall of that bitch?" Hidan asked, staring at the empty space where the TV should've been. He sat on the arm of the chair and pressed the "on" button of the remote, despite the fact that it didn't do anything. "What kind of idiot goes door to door talking shit? Not even in her own country!"

"Stupid people can't help being stupid," Kakuzu said. "She was probably born believing that, and will die trying to get others to. ...sort of like you."

"You're just saying that because you don't want me trying to convert you anymore," Hidan said.

"You're very intelligent, aren't you?"

"You'll never get me to stop, y'know. I don't want you to burn in Hell for all of eternity."

"Touched."

"Maybe I should print up some brochures on Jashinism and pass them out..."

Kakuzu pushed Hidan off the arm of the sofa. "Nevermind. You _aren't_ that smart."


End file.
